


Mon Amour, Ma Lumière (My Love, My Light)

by bathified



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Friends to Lovers, High School AU, I don't know what I'm doing, M/M, Slow Build, at least i think it will be, bi-gender!Marco, first fic, pastel!marco, probably gonna be some sexy times later in the fic, punk!jean
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-25
Updated: 2014-10-03
Packaged: 2018-02-18 18:16:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2357549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bathified/pseuds/bathified
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jean's life was gloomy and dark until the embodiment of light, also known as Marco Bodt, made an appearance and shed a little light on everything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first chapter. I realize it's only really short, I was planning on it being longer but that obviously didn't happen. In this chapter we meet Jean and his parents are kind of introduced.

I've reached that point in my life where everything seems meaningless. I've just started my final year in high school and I still have no idea what I want to do with my life. Everything sucks and I often find myself wondering, 'why?' Why do I wake up every day? Why do I go to school? Why am I alive? All these questions are hard for me to answer because I just don't _know_. When I was younger I thought life was exciting and I was always learning new things. It was fun but then, as I got older, I realized that real life isn't fun. It's full of experiences and sometimes for some people the good experiences only ever happen rarely.

Over the past year I've slowly lost interest in things that I loved. I stopped going out with my friends and now I really only have one friend that talks to me - Armin. And even then sometimes (more times than I'd like to admit) I ignore his calls and texts. I spend my spare time in my room lying in my bed doing nothing. I'm not passionate about anything like I used to be. I don't appreciate the good things in my life. I've changed and my parents hate it, my friends hate it, I hate it but every attempt I've made to change myself for the better hasn't worked and all I want to do is disappear.

\-   ~   -

Today is Saturday. Four months ago I would've been down at the beach with my friends hanging out in a cave we found in the rocks by the bottom of the cliff. Now I spend my Saturdays doing what I do on the days I don't have school - waking up at midday and then sulking around my house watching re-runs of old TV shows in my room and hiding away. Just after I started going bad Armin would try to get me to come down to the beach but eventually he gave up. I very rarely see him outside of school anymore. Some days I don't even bother getting out of bed except to go to the bathroom or to grab something to eat though I don't eat as much as I used to.

Anyway, today I woke up earlier than usual. I could hear my mother walking around downstairs so it had to be before 10am. I debated in my head whether I should try and go back to sleep or go downstairs but the answer was clear when I rolled over and my stomach growled loudly. Even though eating food this early made me want to throw up, I decided to go downstairs to find something to eat. As I started to walk down the stairs I heard my mother say my name. I almost called out to her thinking she had seen me but I stopped myself when I realized she was on the phone.

"We need to do something David," my mother spoke sharply into the phone. "I can't stand by and watch _our_  son waste away like this. I can't just pretend that there's nothing wrong."

My stomach lurched. My parents were fighting again. And this time it was about me. I hated it when they fought. When I was younger I used to hide in my closet and ignore the screaming and the yelling but now I'm used to it. I sat down on the top step as my mother stopped around downstairs.

"What do you mean there's nothing wrong?" She seethed into the phone. "Do you not notice anything? He hasn't left the house for anything other than school for three months, he doesn't have friends; he doesn't do anything!"

There was silence again as my father responded and I waited quietly, barely breathing at the top of the stairs. The silence seemed to last for hours as my mother listened through the phone. I thought she might have left the room but then I heard her sobbing.

"I'm so scared David. What if he does _that_ again? I don't think I could handle it."

I could feel my heart pounding in my chest and my skin broke out in goose bumps. My body went cold. I had locked that day away in the back of mind so I would never be reminded of it again but suddenly all the memories came flooding back and I couldn't breathe; I felt like I was going to pass out. All I could see was red, all I could hear was screaming.

"I just want him happy again," my mother cried out. "I just want the old him back."

The rest of the conversation was muffled as my mother had moved towards the front of the house and a few moments later I heard the front door close and a car start. As it drove away I slowly stood up using the wall. My whole body was shaking badly and I could hardly walk. Somehow I made it to the bathroom before throwing up into the toilet bowl. After sitting on the cool tiles for a while I stopped shaking so violently. I leaned back against the wall, putting my head in my hands, taking deep breaths. My face was wet and I realized I had been crying the entire time. I was exhausted and I almost fell asleep right there but I forced myself up, stripped and had a cold shower to calm myself down. After drying myself and getting dressed, I took some aspirin and went back to bed. I had had enough of today already and I was ready to escape into sleep again.


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter we meet the wonderful Marco. I realized now that there's a bit of dialogue and it's not very long but oh well. Enjoy!

Walking into school on Monday was the same as every day of the week. I wasn't greeted by friends or acknowledged by anyone to be exact. I was invisible. I used to be so much more outgoing and energetic but now I just can't be bothered. I used to stand out because of my appearance but even that makes no difference now. Speaking of my appearance I like to think I am punk, borderline goth. I have two tone coloured hair and the top, lighter part has streaks of red and dark purple through it. I have a septum piercing as well as a stud in my left nostril, snake bites and a tongue piercing. The school had tried multiple times to get me to take my piercings out but they never succeeded. I wear dark clothes with rips in them, bracelets and belts covered in studs and black combat boots covered in buckles. To top it all off I wear dark makeup around my eyes and I was deathly pale. Surely this would cause me to receive some odd stares from the other students and glares from teachers in the school but it hadn't in the past year. Everyone had just accepted it which I was actually pretty grateful for. As much as I enjoyed getting into fights with my old friend Eren, I didn't particularly like getting into arguments with people about my appearance.

My first class of the morning was Pre-Algebra which is the lowest maths class you can be in. Yeah, two periods of maths straight up on a Monday morning; my school hates me. I used to be in one of the highest maths classes but when I went bad it was all too much to stay on top on so I dropped down. Mr. Pixis, my old maths teacher, was extremely disappointed in me when I handed in the subject change form at the end of last year. He even had a meeting with my parents and I to try and convince me to stay but I left anyway. I breezed through the class without even trying but the grades I got in it were of no equivalent to the grading of the higher maths. Pre-Algebra was one of the classes where I could sit up the back and not pay attention at all but still pass the tests. Mrs. Ral didn't ask me any questions during the classes and I liked her for that.

After enduring almost two and a half hours of maths, the bell rang signalling that it was now lunch time. I collected up my things and took my time walking outside to the courtyard to meet with Armin. As the tree we sit under came into sight I saw that Armin was already leaning against the trunk waiting for me. I quickly cleared the distance and sat down next to Armin with a sigh, taking a small packet of chips out of my bag.

"How was your weekend?" Armin asked, taking out his own packed lunch. Armin was one of those people who always took time out of their morning to pack their own lunch rather than eat the school's cafeteria lunches. He always packed healthy food as well.

"It was fine," I replied, deciding not to tell Armin about how my parents fought on Saturday night and then weren't home at all on Sunday or how I had a panic attack on Saturday morning and then spent the rest of the weekend in my room in bed. "How about yours?"

He finished chewing the bite of salad before replying, the excitement evident in his voice. "Well while we were down at the beach on Saturday Ymir brought her cousin down with her. He's staying with her for the year while his parents are in Europe."

As much as I hated it I zoned out, Armin's words not reaching my ears as I stared across the courtyard watching all the faces of the other students, laughing and talking with their friends, studying, having fun with their lives. I sighed, moving my eyes to stare my bag on the ground beside me and putting the unopened packet of chips back into it.

"Jean, are you listening?" Armin asked, waving his hand in front of my face.I turned to look at him, trying to ignore the worried look on his face.

"I zoned out, sorry," I mumbled, looking back at the ground. "What were you saying?"

"I invited Marco to come sit with us today because Ymir has her work day on Mondays now," he told me quickly. "Oh look, there he is now!"

Marco must be Ymir's cousin. I glanced up looking across the courtyard again. Walking towards the tree was a boy. At least I thought it was a boy. Marco was a boy’s name, right? The person walking towards us had hair cut like a boy's but they were wearing so many pastel colours, they even had pastel dye through their dark hair. As he, assuming it was in fact a boy, got closer Armin waved catching his attention. The boy's entire face lit up with his huge smile and my jaw dropped a little. How could someone's entire face light up just from smiling?

The boy finally reached the tree, leaving behind him a trail of the stares of confused people. He stood awkwardly in front of Armin and me, gripping the white strap of the backpack he had slung over his shoulder. I couldn't help but stare at the boy. He was wearing some kind of short pastel purple denim overalls complete with white frilly lace around the bottom of the shorts. Underneath it he wore a long sleeved white shirt covered in black upside down crosses and a pastel pink necktie. He even had thigh high baby blue candy patterned stockings which left two strips of his honey tanned, freckled skin showing between the overalls and the stockings. On his feet were a pair of pastel purple creepers and he had various rings on his fingers and necklaces around his neck.

"Marco! Sit down, sit down!" Armin exclaimed. It was obvious that the two had hit off on Saturday by the bright tone of Armin's voice. "This is Jean."

Armin gestured to me and the boy, Marco, looked over at me, his warm brown eyes staring right into my amber ones. And that's when I noticed the freckles covering his face and the lip gloss he had on his soft lips, the perfect eyeliner he had on his eyelids, the blush on his cheeks. He had a strong jawline and a square chin and oh my god his face actually looked really nice. Marco sat down, keeping his eyes locked on mine as he placed his backpack in front of him. It was all white and had angel wings coming off the top.

"Why are you wearing girl's clothes?"

Marco's eyes suddenly looked worried. Why did he suddenly look away from me? ... And then I realized I had spoken those words. I had upset him and I had only just met him. Me and my stupid mouth.

"Jean!" Armin whispered sharply into my ear.

"Ah, no Armin it's okay," Marco said quickly, overhearing Armin's whisper. He turned to face me again. "I'm, um, bi-gender. These clothes are what I feel comfortable in and they appeal to both my genders."

"Not to be rude or anything but what does bi-gender mean?" I asked, genuinely confused. I had never heard that term in my life before and I wanted to at least understand it a little so I didn't accidentally offend Marco a second time.

"Well, if someone feels they are bi-gender it basically means that they feel like they have two genders in the one body. For me those two genders are male and female. I was born male but I feel like I need to prove myself to people as male and female," Marco explained to me. I was still kind of confused.

"So you're saying you wear the clothes and makeup to express your female part but what do you do for your male part?"

"I talk like a guy, I kept my hair short because I wasn't sure if I could properly look after long hair," Marco laughed, the sound breaking the feeling of awkwardness around us. "I still have my male body parts and I prefer male pronouns."

I nodded, satisfied at the moment with the situation. I was sure I would have more questions to ask later but I decided I had asked enough for our first time meeting. I stuck my hand out to Marco and he took it with a strong grip and shook it.

"I'm Jean, all male and as straight as a rainbow. Nice to meet you." Marco laughed again, his eyes closing and his smile big as he shook my hand. He opened his eyes and stared into mine again.

"Nice to meet you Jean."

Armin re-entered the conversation, asking Marco how his morning had been. I returned to my staring off into the distance, occasionally watching Marco from the corner of my eye. Each time I looked he was looking at me before realizing I had caught him and turning back to face Armin. I swear my heart didn't skip a beat when I noticed Marco staring at me.


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter we meet Levi.

Marco didn’t sit with Armin and me for the rest of the week because Ymir invited him to sit with her friends. At least that’s what Armin told me. I can’t help but feel like maybe I was too straightforward with Marco on Monday, asking him about his clothes when we had only just met. Armin assured me that Marco had enjoyed sitting with us. He even showed me the texts Marco had sent him, thanking Armin for letting him sit with us. Armin also said Ymir had invited us to go sit with them all in the cafeteria but I couldn’t bring myself to go and sit with my old friends. I didn’t know how I was meant to act around them all now. I wasn’t the same person I had been when I was friends with them all. I didn’t think I could stand the awkward small talk and avoided eye contact.

“Jean are you sure you don’t wanna sit with them?” Armin asked as we sat underneath our tree on Thursday. I nodded in response but I felt guilty for keeping Armin here with me. He didn’t have to miss out on talking with his friends just to keep my company. I didn’t want him to think he could only hang out with his friends outside of school.

“You can go if you want to,” I told him. “I know you’re becoming good friends with Marco and I don’t want you to think you can only sit with him on Mondays.”

“I don’t want to leave you here alone-”

“Armin, it’s okay with me,” I interrupted him, standing up and hoisting my bag over my shoulder. “I’m gonna head off to my next class early so I can do some studying.”

I didn’t wait for Armin’s reply. I just walked off, heading back inside the building. It was so quiet inside with everyone outside or in the cafeteria. The hallways were empty as I made my way to my locker to get my textbook for French. I could speak it fluently already but I didn’t put any effort into the class at all so my teacher, Mr. Ackerman, thought I was horrible at it. I spun my locker combo and stuffed the textbook into my bag. Walking down the vacant hallways towards the classroom gave me time to zone out and I wasn’t paying any attention to where I was going until I suddenly collided with another body. The impact brought me out of my empty daydream and back into reality as I hit the floor, landing on my shoulder. The contents of my bag flew out across the hall and a curse sounded behind me. Standing up, I turned around to see the one person I did not want to ever knock to the floor sprawled on the floor. Mr. Ackerman, my French teacher. The short, stony faced, ex-military Frenchman that everyone knew not to fuck with. Ever.

“Sir, are you okay!?” I quickly asked, taking a step towards him and extended a hand to help him up. “I’m so sorry. I wasn’t watching where I was going.”

Mr. Ackerman knocked my hand away and picked himself up off the floor. He dusted off the non-existent dirt from his pristine black dress pants before turning to face me with a cold stare that sent chills through my body.

“Watch where you are going next time,” He said to me, dangerously calmly. “ _Tu es complètement débile_.”

I stared at him, my eyes wide. Did he just say what I think he did? I may not put in a lot of effort into school work anymore but I was definitely not stupid. At least not completely stupid like he had said.

“I saw that reaction, _enfant_. You understood what I said,” Mr. Ackerman observed as he fixed the cuffs of his creaseless white shirt. “You’re either lying to me about knowing French or you’re well researched in the topic of French insults. Which is it, Kirstein?”

I chose to ignore the question and started to collect up the stuff that had fallen out of my bag. What I couldn’t ignore was the fact that Mr. Ackerman began to help me, picking up the books closest to him. When I had everything back in my bag I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned around expecting Mr. Ackerman to be giving me my books but my mouth dropped at what I saw.

“S-Sir, you can’t look at those!” I nearly shouted as I went to snatch the sketchbook out of the shorter man’s hands but he was fast and easily stepped to the side avoiding my hand. I watched, feeling defeated as the teacher flipped through the book.

“These are all your own, Kirstein?” Mr. Ackerman asked without looking up.

“Y-yeah,” I answered, scratching the back of my neck. “They’re, um, not very-"

“If you’re about to say not good then I will make you get on your knees and clean this filthy floor with your tongue,” he snapped at me. He closed the sketchbook and held it out to me. As I took it in my hand his grip tightened and I looked down at him, confused. “I don’t care what _you_ think of these drawings, _I_ think they are exceptional especially coming from someone like you.”

He let go of the sketchbook and I quickly shoved it back into my bag. I turned and continued walking down the hall. Mr. Ackerman quickly caught up with me and I remembered I was heading to his class.

“Do you know much about art?” He asked as we walked.

“No, I just draw what I want to,” I replied, slightly annoyed that he had looked into my private things without permission.

“I’ll teach you.”

I stopped suddenly, surprised that a teacher like Mr. Ackerman was offering to teach me something other than French. I didn’t think he knew how to teach anything that wasn’t military training or French let alone art. I had never thought he would be an artist.

“W-What?” I stuttered out, my tongue tripping over the word.

Mr. Ackerman rolled his eyes at me. “So you’re stupid and deaf. I said I’ll teach you. I’ll teach you how to express yourself through art to your full potential. In return, you can put some effort into my class. What do you say?”

“I’ll think about it.”

“Fine. Let me know when you’ve made your decision,” he instructed. “See you in class.”

And with that the scary, short man continued walking down the hall until he disappeared around a corner, leaving me alone again. It was almost time for the bell to ring for the start of the next lot of classes so I went to the bathroom to wash my hands and make sure I hadn’t hit my face on the floor when I fell. Then the bell rang and I headed to French.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If there is any mistakes in the little bit of French I used in this chapter, please let me know! I hope those of you who are reading this are enjoying it. It's gonna be a bit slow and I don't really have any plans for the direction this story is going but I'll try to get something out. This chapter is also pretty short, sorry about that.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first JeanMarco fanfiction. I haven't written anything in so long so I apologize if my writing style isn't very constant. If you see any mistakes in the text please let me know so I can fix it up especially with any French I use.
> 
> Currently looking for:  
> \- a beta reader  
> \- someone who is bi-gender to help me a little (I'm not completely sure about it and I would appreciate some help to make sure I properly portray it through the character)


End file.
